I am soooooo frustrated with myself!

How can I be so stupid and dumb ass???? !#$%^&*!

He was right in front of my eyes!!! well at least for a split second he was, till I turned my back on him. Cos i was so freakin nervous. OMG.. But then.. in a split second too, he was tadaaa vanished! Shit! What the heck was i thinking????

But then, i kinda thankful coz i reacted that way. I cant imagine how my reaction gona be back then. I tend to act funny n awkwardly when i m nervous.

No, Atie.. dont go there. Not just yet. Not now. Not here. Not him!
Today, I, along with a bunch of known and unknown friends... went berjalan2 ke Pasifika Fest. Actly I had to plan a simple outting for Umsa today, so since i wanted to go to the fest, i suggested to d committee about an outting to d fest and walla.. they were cool with it. So, I had to lead the rest of the members to Western Spring Park where the fest was held. Also, Intan, Mira n Hijrah joined the trip.

Met up at 9.30am and took a bus at 10am. We took lots of pics and spent lots of money tooo.. huhu something that I am soo good at. Caught a bus to downtown around 2 something. Then, hang out at Westfield, had our lunch + dinner at the food court. Walked back around 4 or 5, not sure. Gona post some of d pics later. Not today too tired.

Oh God.. I cant think of nythng to write... My mind gone blank and blur... I am distracted by my painful swelling ligamen and this distractful violent movie that Channel 2 is showing!! Hate thriller movie!

And I still HATE YOU! Lol!!


You always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

(Andy Warhol, 1928-1987)

Do not blame time when the fact that it was actually you who are in the first place change things yourself. The decision is yours. It's up to your logical mind to paint your future and what goes by through the passing periods.

Things do not change; we change.

(Henry David Thoreau, 1817-1862)

Yes! You changed. I changed. They changed. We all changed. We are trying to grab different opportunities as time goes by. So admit it. Don't be in denial or even better, making lame excuses.

ye ape perasaan aku skrg?
aku tak pasti...
  • cemburu
  • iri hati
  • sedih
  • kecewa
  • terkilan
  • rendah diri yang maha hebat
  • worthless
  • unattractive
  • useless
  • geram
  • sakit hati
  • mahu nangis blh tak????

dgn kata lain, sume perasaan yg tinggl skrg hanyalah yg negatif semata2

perlu ke aku bercerita pada dunia kenapa jadi begini? rasanya tak perlu...

aku nk luahkn tapi rasa macam useless je pun klu luahkn

nak dipendam pun susah sbb aku seorg yg straightforward
boleh tak aku luahkn tanpa kata2?
tapi macam mn ye?

ape cr yg plg effective dan mudah difahami selain kata2?
complicated sungguh.

Cubalah org2 sekeliling aku fahami...!!!knp korg tak faham???
xkn nk tunggu aku cerita br nk faham...
aku rasa sume ni sgt tak adil!!!
tapi aku yg tak adil pada dunia klu aku buat statement mcmtu...

biasalah hidup, mesti ada downfall...
nama pun hidup di dunia yg ada gravity

"what goes up must come down! "


Actually this post refers to things that happened in the past 2days in my life...

What happened??? Hmm nothing much it might sound like, but it sure meant a lot to me.

The last 2 days was obviously Monday and i am glad to announce that i dont have any class on Monday. But, unfortunately had to climb up Anzav avenue to get to the engineering building to attend UMSA meeting.

After the meeting, I walked back and hang out at Intan and Mira's place. Then Intan invited me to have dinner with them. She cooked "ayam masak merah" which was so yummy. So touched with her cook. Coz since ive been living alone, I never cooked a proper meal for myself-dont feel like ccoking.

So happy that at moments like this, I still have people who can make me laugh, smile and pass my days with a bright smile on my face. As if nothing ever happened.

And that day, Intan and her ayam... the ayam just didnt wanna get cooked and caused some chaos... stuck in the fridge, stick together, and there was a moment when i thought Intan was about to soak the chicken in the boiler and put em in the dish washer for some reason.. hahaha LOL!

But the main point here is that all the small things that people never intend to do it, can actually bring happiness to someone. I m so happy that I have Intan and Mira that I can chase after when I need help or some comfort shoulders. Since their place is the nearest to mine amongst all who are close to me. Yeah, definitely not Leen and Noly and Kelsey cause I ll have to swim across oceans to get to them. Haha! Thank God that You always give new hopes and opportunities in my life.

Two sayings that I like to quote here:

"One man's lost is another man's gain."

"When one door is closed, another door will open."

Tak tahu knp dan mcm mn, hr ni aku blh terpk psl reflecting my life.... myb
lps dpt email 4m abah. Well, you know how 1 memory leads to another, rite. So,
reminding of my dad, d thoughts of my mum come across my mind.

Sblm blk msia hari tu, my mum n me ada berbual (girls talk laa konon2). Guess what we talked about? Boy friend! Marriage! Future as a woman... Yeah, sounds so serious and futuristic.. haha but, come to realise that I'm about to become 21 this yr, well, what the heck! By right, I should already plan my life ahead. And duh~ boy friend... hmm that's a big issue.

OK, basically, i really appreciate d mother-daughter talk that i had with my mum. Like yeah, i DO, really2 do appreciate it (this is not a sarcasm!) But, the most pressure was from my relatives, like my auntIESSSS, uncleSSS, and my cousins who r close to me, got married last yr when I was still cracking my head and dying with my studies... and not just that, this year... there ll be more of em getting married or at least got engaged. And me????? Seriously, I have a very big prob answering to that question.

I think i somehow have problems with guys.. not that i am a sexist or nything. it's just, i m afraid of having commitment with guys. I never realise this problem b4, till last year. I realised it when there was this guy... he confessed to me... then, i totally freaked out. n yeah that's d end of it. hahaha.... n sblm ni, aku memang in denial yg aku tkt dgn komitmen. tapi bl aku fikir balik dalam2, aku mula perasan kelemahan aku.
  • aku xpndai nk social dgn lelaki-aku react according to that guy's reaction
  • easily freaked out
  • bl aku mula rasa perubahan in relationship, aku akan mula changed my attitude..... e.g. jadi super hyper garang.. hahaha, jauhkn diri, jadi ganas, berusaha sedaya upaya utk sembunyikn my femininity, etc2...
  • aku mula cari kelemahan org tu dan bygkn dia akn jd org yg mcm mn bl dh ada serious relationship (walaupun sebenarnya aku suka org tu !!!)

the list goes on.... I know sm1 might think im a freak. well, go on. I can't agree more to it. Like after the last break up, n with experiences that i had in my whole life, i guess i just can't help it. But of course, there's this part of me that longing to have a boyfriend. Honestly, i cant understand my own self. Aku nk boy friend, aku nk serious relationship n commitment, but at d same time, aku tak nak tu sume. or mayb, I am not ready! mayb i need a psychist. hmmm... or should i just ask my mum to find sm1 for me??? tak nk juge.. pelik betul.. mmg tak paham.

Maybe, I am just not at the right time, at the right moment, in a wrong place or part of the world, and havent found the right guy just yet! Just Maybe...

  1. So happy to be back in Auckland
  2. Miss uni life
  3. Excited and looking forward to go to class 2mrw
  4. I like my house, homey. It suits me.
  5. Love summer breeze
  6. Love Channel 2 for playing F.R.I.E.N.D.S everyday
  7. Allowance is already in. Yay.
  8. Just bought a very lovely blouse yesterday that cost me only 10 bucks!
  9. Having something to fill my day everyday
  10. Awesome Foodtown's fish fillet that i ate almost everyday now

"Life is a box of chocolate. You never know what you gonna get."

So far, the grass is still green as ever on my side. Hope d colour will not fade through out d seasons.