Tak tahu knp dan mcm mn, hr ni aku blh terpk psl reflecting my life.... myb
lps dpt email 4m abah. Well, you know how 1 memory leads to another, rite. So,
reminding of my dad, d thoughts of my mum come across my mind.

Sblm blk msia hari tu, my mum n me ada berbual (girls talk laa konon2). Guess what we talked about? Boy friend! Marriage! Future as a woman... Yeah, sounds so serious and futuristic.. haha but, come to realise that I'm about to become 21 this yr, well, what the heck! By right, I should already plan my life ahead. And duh~ boy friend... hmm that's a big issue.

OK, basically, i really appreciate d mother-daughter talk that i had with my mum. Like yeah, i DO, really2 do appreciate it (this is not a sarcasm!) But, the most pressure was from my relatives, like my auntIESSSS, uncleSSS, and my cousins who r close to me, got married last yr when I was still cracking my head and dying with my studies... and not just that, this year... there ll be more of em getting married or at least got engaged. And me????? Seriously, I have a very big prob answering to that question.

I think i somehow have problems with guys.. not that i am a sexist or nything. it's just, i m afraid of having commitment with guys. I never realise this problem b4, till last year. I realised it when there was this guy... he confessed to me... then, i totally freaked out. n yeah that's d end of it. hahaha.... n sblm ni, aku memang in denial yg aku tkt dgn komitmen. tapi bl aku fikir balik dalam2, aku mula perasan kelemahan aku.
  • aku xpndai nk social dgn lelaki-aku react according to that guy's reaction
  • easily freaked out
  • bl aku mula rasa perubahan in relationship, aku akan mula changed my attitude..... e.g. jadi super hyper garang.. hahaha, jauhkn diri, jadi ganas, berusaha sedaya upaya utk sembunyikn my femininity, etc2...
  • aku mula cari kelemahan org tu dan bygkn dia akn jd org yg mcm mn bl dh ada serious relationship (walaupun sebenarnya aku suka org tu !!!)

the list goes on.... I know sm1 might think im a freak. well, go on. I can't agree more to it. Like after the last break up, n with experiences that i had in my whole life, i guess i just can't help it. But of course, there's this part of me that longing to have a boyfriend. Honestly, i cant understand my own self. Aku nk boy friend, aku nk serious relationship n commitment, but at d same time, aku tak nak tu sume. or mayb, I am not ready! mayb i need a psychist. hmmm... or should i just ask my mum to find sm1 for me??? tak nk juge.. pelik betul.. mmg tak paham.

Maybe, I am just not at the right time, at the right moment, in a wrong place or part of the world, and havent found the right guy just yet! Just Maybe...


kisahdreamer said...

rasa cam dah semakin tua kan? bila mak ckp pasal bende2 camni. huhu

Mata penaku Habis dakwat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mata penaku Habis dakwat said...

haha tau xpe... rasa cam taknak kuar ke dunia reality je... soo scary

alfina said...

i dunno y, when i read the list, i mcm terpikirkan dyau.
its like, u did everything u mentioned to dyau..
im not being sarcastic. its just something that i happened tp realized as i read it

Mata penaku Habis dakwat said...

Haha.. come on dzt... it can be referred to someone else out there... U know i had few crashes rite... Lol!

No, pls, not dyau.
He is just totally the wrong type of guy. Dont mention tis to him...