Ups n Downs-walking this life backwards...

Again, if only i am good at expressing my inner soul, life would be very easy n straight forward.

"kalaulah mampu untuk aku lukis ruang kosong di hati ni, kalaulah mampu untuk
aku kongsi dan coretkan omong2 kosong yg berlegar di hati, mungkin aku tak perlu
menelan setiap rasa yg hadir..."

But then, things r not s simple s they seemed to be... sometimes, it might worth walking backwards... these few days... i ve been so upset, miserable, stress, depress, etc... why??? huh, good question! if only I know why... Well, somewhere deep inside me seemed to know the reason of my doom feelings, its just... its not easy to express certain things... I ve been trying to talk about that matter to people close to me... but, it was too difficult n they dont really understand the situation. even if they did understand the matter, they just couldnt help me out of this sickening misery. i tried to reach out to hands that i thought might grasp my hands tight, but the fingers just kept on slipping out of their hands... i tried to compose a song to sing out my sorrows, but i kept singing the wrong tunes, playing the wrong notes... i tried to wipe out the tears... but, no! I ain't crying... i did try to write out the story of my life, but i am no writer. then, i tried to tell the fairy tales of this little chamber inside me, but the story remain untold... and before i knew, my hands reached out for my sketch book, and within few minutes, this is what appeared to be the summary of my thoughts...

Yup, I felt sad, useless, hopeless, lonely, angry, and uncertain... its a mixture of myriads of unpleasant feelings that broke my heart into pieces...

Now let me interpret the sketch for you, in case u cant c d relation of my feelings! d volcano indicates my anger which also related to my patience that has come to its limit. d tree standing there alone in a middle of no where portrays my loneliness. Friends are important in my life, but they come n go, we cant share everything with everyone at anytime... this is my life. i have to stand by my own feet, cope with my own life... n thereby, standing up for myself.. alone. d eyes n d rain... duh~ isnt it obvious that i was feeling sad that i could cry a pool of tears?? what else?? oh yeah.. the tree n the d flower at d right corner of the pic indicate that it is autumn.. nearly winter... it is useless to keep those leaves on their branches... hopeless... the tree has no control of its own life, its leaves, the flower cant hold its petals from falling... this is life.. we have to cope with life, surroundings and situations. i am powerless of what's coming... i do see its coming, but the least that i could do is to wait and watch evrything passes by... lastly is d wind... it shows my uncertainty of what will happen in the future, how i would react, what should be done... n d list goes on...

i know that those brief discriptions are merely the surface meaning of my sketch and thus, do not imply the deep underlying meaning of the real reasons for all those feelings inside me.. but i just dont know how to portray all those feelings. they are too personal to be shared. I cant even share them with my own self. what else with others...